How Will I know?
by makiraco
Summary: Fred bemuses how she got there from here.


Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own these characters. That credit belongs to the wonderful and talented Joss Whedon and Company. Thank you for allowing me to "borrow" them for the fanfic. It has been my sincere pleasure to watch Angel for the past five years.  
  
For the purpose of this fic, please assume that (a) Connor was restored to a normal life and that (b) the MOG still have their memories of him.  
  
How Will I Know?  
  
So, I guess I always knew. I mean before he kissed me – the first time anyway, I knew. I just didn't know that I knew. Well, at not, consciously. And I mean it wasn't like it was really a kiss. He wasn't himself - he was possessed by something. I mean, was I supposed to think that it was really him or just a side effect of his possession.  
  
I mean, I think I knew when I went to visit him. Or at least when I left. He looked so helpless, so hopeless, so alone. Walking away from his door, there was the split second when I made the decision not to go back - because I knew why he was crying – because of me. Because of what he felt like he had done to me. And I just couldn't bear to see it and I knew he didn't want me to see it. But he came back to work and it was all okay for a while.  
  
And it seemed like I had forgotten because the world was mad. There was Darla and then Connor and Holtz. I guess we weren't so close anymore. I started the breakfast thing with Gunn every morning. Normal, all-American guy, Gunn. What you see is what you get Gunn. He listened to me talk on and on. He let me finish his breakfast. He smiled a lot and laughed. Told me I was beautiful.  
  
That night at the ballet, when Gunn was stabbed, I felt my heart stop and I couldn't breathe. And I thought I knew. I kissed him and the whole felt sane and normal again. I was just a girl in love with her man. So normal just like it was meant to be.  
  
But I think I knew then – that my joy meant sorrow. But I was in love and those thoughts didn't stay with me for long. We were all busy – trying to keep Connor safe, trying to keep tabs on Holtz and picking up the slack from Cordy's vacation that we didn't see a lot of things.  
  
And then I couldn't believe it. Not Wesley, not good old reliable, dependable Wesley. He would never betray Angel, never betray us. And I didn't want to believe. Even when I stood in his hospital room. His throat cut and his voice silent. Even when he admitted what had happened. But Gunn was there and he helped me to understand.  
  
And I tried not to think about him after that. He was forgotten - unspoken. And we all moved on without Connor, without Wes. And then we almost lost Gunn. When he broke up with me, it was like all of the oxygen had gone out of the atmosphere and I was suffocating on the carbon dioxide. But Angel saved the day like he always did.  
  
And then Connor came back. But before that was that whole, weird bug thing. And I was infested by this water-seeking creature that dehydrated me. Gunn saved me by giving me vodka. I don't know how he knew that it would save me but he did.  
  
And for a moment - everything was okay. Connor was home albeit older than when he left but he and Angel were building their relationship. And speaking of relationships, Angel and Cordy were finally going to realize their's. It was kyruption.  
  
Except that nothing turned out like it was supposed to. Angel and Cordy disappeared. And Gunn and I were left to take care of Connor. And we couldn't find them, all of our leads were dead ends and the world was falling apart. I mean I shouldn't say that it was really falling apart because the world did in fact fall apart but not just right then. I guess I mean that it felt like the whole world was falling apart but it was really just my life. My life and Gunn's. And I started to think about Wesley then. Where was he when we needed him? I mean it was he who started this whole going away thing, first Wesley, than Connor (okay, I grant you he came back), than Lorne, Angel and Cordy.  
  
And I guess he was out there somewhere figuring it all out. Because he found Angel and brought him back to us. Except when you looked at him, it wasn't the him that he was before. He was different. Oops, you probably think I am talking about Angel. Well, yes, Angel was different. I mean wouldn't you be if you had been trapped at the bottom of the ocean for three months. But, no, I was talking about Wes.  
  
And then Cordy came back - except she didn't come back the way she left. She had no memory of any of us - not even Angel. What none of us knew then and I wish I didn't know now was that she didn't come back alone. She was possessed. I guess that is the right way to say it. I mean truly the baby was the demon but the possession started before the pregnancy. How else would you explain sleeping with Connor?  
  
But as I said, we didn't know it, and life seemed to be normal again. And I go asked to speak regarding an article I had submitted to a physics journal. Except that it was all a set-up. Gunn kept me from being sucked into the portal. He held on to me for dear life. Too tight, I think.. Maybe that is when I realized it. I am not sure though. I think that is why I went to Wes. Why I knew he would help me. In the end, it was Gunn who killed him. He thought that it would be too much for me.  
  
I know that is when it was over with Gunn. And it wasn't because of what he thought it was. He thought it was because his hands were dirty. But it wasn't. It was because he didn't understand. He didn't get it – get me. I knew then (I am pretty sure) that he thought I was weak but I have never been weak. Not since the day I drove away to Texas to LA. Not since the day I realized that I had survived Pylea. That I wasn't crazy. That I didn't have to write on walls to make sense. But it didn't matter to him. He only understood what he could see and to him I was a fragile doll.  
  
And for a while I pretended that it didn't matter to me either. That I could still love him and be with him. Except that I couldn't.  
  
And then the world started to end. The big thing came, the thing that wasn't in any of our books, that even Wesley couldn't explain, that even Angel couldn't defeat. I think I may have started to know then – because when you are faced with the end of the world you start to evaluate how things are and what really matters. Except that I didn't exactly have time to do that with the unleashing of Angelus and all.  
  
Except that somewhere in the middle of the madness – he kissed me again. And I kissed him back. But I shouldn't have. I say because of Charles but I mean in spite of Charles. I shouldn't have kissed him back. It wasn't fair. I wasn't ready. But I think I kinda knew. Cause I knew that he saw me - the real me - the one on the inside. I think I knew that he had always seen me. Maybe that is what scared me.  
  
And then Angelus told everyone's secrets. And Lorne said not to listen to him but I couldn't help it. When he talked, it was all enchanting and he said things. He didn't keep it all inside. That is when I really knew how Wesley felt about me. Angelus spoke it so clearly. All of what he couldn't say.  
  
I am getting everything jumbled and out of order. But then Lilah showed up and that secret spilled. And I looked at Wesley and I wasn't sure who was really standing before me. So I just walked away.  
  
It took Faith and Willow to bring Angel back. And then we realized that Cordy was the mole in our midst. She and Connor had Jasmine who brought world peace but devoured people to keep her mirage running. So we ended world peace and Connor destroyed Jasmine. Cordy was brain-dead and Lilah came back from the dead to offer us Wolfram & Hart. And so we took over the hell mouth of LA and I got my own science department along with a cute assistant named Knox.  
  
Soon we were all caught up in the corporate grind. Everything was back to normal. Well, all except Cordelia and Connor. But that is another story. We were the team again. Working together to help the hopeless.  
  
Except that is where I realized that we, okay I mean me, was, no I mean, is the hopeless one. I caught myself watching him for a while before I knew it. In action, he was unstoppable.  
  
I didn't know, I mean, I would have guessed that he would have given up on me. Especially knowing the little I knew about him and Lilah. Why would you want a farm girl like me from Texas after something like that? I just brushed those thoughts out of my mind and focused on work.  
  
Until his father came to visit. Okay, so it wasn't really his father, it was this most awesomely built cyborg. The technology is out of this world. In fact, we are still dissecting it in the lab. But none of us knew that and we were all trying to put our best foot forward so that his father would realize what a great job he was doing. And he was. And I guess that is why we were so willing to trust him - cause I mean he is, was, Wesley's dad, right. Except that he wasn't and he and than Wes. He, um, shot him. And he thought it was his real dad except that it wasn't so it all turned out okay in the long run. And I was trying to tell him that when Knox interrupted me which saved me because I realize that this was probably one of those times when my presence was more bothersome than my input could be helpful. But then I thought maybe but I wasn't sure.  
  
And then Cordelia came back. Okay, again, not really but for a little while. It was something about watching him work - working his mojo as she called it. And I think it really started to sink in then. The next day, when Angel explained what had happened to Cordy, I think that is when I decided.  
  
Like any good scientist, I wanted to test my hypothesis. So I tried to drop the hints, the subtle moves. Except that my experiment wasn't going anywhere. And then Angel got turned into a puppet. The cutest puppet that you ever did see. Oh, he was just adorable. And we had to fix it - that is what Wes and I do. We find the solution and fix the problem. Sitting there with him for hours watching that show, it was so comfortable and utterly disconcerting at the same time. I was so afraid that I was missing what I was supposed to be catching on the tape because I was so nervous with him sitting so close to me. And I was drinking all that coffee with the sugar which made it worse and I was going on and on. I was so worried that I was boring him or worse driving him insane. And Knox kept popping in and out. What a twit!  
  
And then we, scratch that, he finally figured it out and we went to kill the puppets. That sounds so strange. Only in my world do people kill demonic puppets. Only in LA. And we went to destroy the core and that big puppet started attacking him. I saw the puppet go for the fire extinguisher and I knew what I had to do. Okay, so my little episode wasn't so dramatic. It was only an ugly demonic puppet who looked like he should have been one of Ronald McDonald's friends. But I stopped him and I paused to smile at him before I realized that I had business left to finish.  
  
So being a scientist, I re-evaluated my experiment and realized I needed a much bigger catalyst. So I kissed him. I couldn't let him walk out of that room without knowing. And I was sure I knew myself and know he knew too.  
  
But I am still not really sure when I really did know.  
  
"Fred, love, come back to bed....." his voice drifted into the room.  
  
She looked up from her writing. Her walls on paper. She put her pen down and closed the journal. 


End file.
